Note before we start: I didn’t attempt to conceal identities. All of these people naturally have red football analyst pen on their faces.
Dear mans: your Tinder game is as problematic as a grown man wearing a football jersey. And, because all your friends are out there committing the same infractions as you, you don’t even know better.
With that, these are the photos that are causing you to get swiped in the no pussy direction.
Number one: Meet Mr. Name revoked right here and his very large gun.
A large gun is not a foolproof way to pick up chicks. This is not political. But, this is not Pro Bass either. Not every girl’s daddy taught her how to use that thing like Carrie Underwood on an ex-boyfriend’s pickup truck.
Guns make us uncomfortable because they cause us to be dead, if used correctly. I, for example, live in a very big city in an area where I can conveniently purchase drugs from like three of the eight apartments on my floor. I don’t need more things to be afraid of. I don’t want to worry about you murdering me too. I get scared of being murdered on my walk home at night. I get scared of being murdered on the subway. I get scared of being murdered when my boss insists we go on coffee dates instead of to the office. I don’t want to know that you have the tools to murder me readily available. Give me that. Give me ignorance.
Number two: pic with a mini-human
This guy has a man bun but let’s forget about that for a second because he’s committing an even bigger offence. What’s the offence, you ask? Our subject matter does not state if he is legally obligated to provide for the pictured baby the next 18 years.
Tinder is 95% hookup app. With this knowledge, why the fuck would you think I want to see your kid? We aren’t all gonna have brunch together afterwards. You probably aren’t even gonna pay for my uber.
P.S. The thing about women thinking babies are adorable? Big fucking lie. Big.
Number three: a cozy couple picture.
Why are you here, broski?
Like who is that? Is that my new sister wife? Is she my competition for future child support and alimony? Why the hell do you have a picture with a girl while you’re trying to get a new girl? Plus, now I’m obsessed with her. I need to who she is and what she does. I need to know her name, social security number, and most important, her social media information. I need to stalk her on Instagram for like the next eight years before I can make a decision on whether or not I will surpass her as a woman. If I can’t compete, fuck it. Also, if I am indeed better than her, why does this bitch think I’m totally fine with her taking a picture with my man? Now, she needs to fear me on a street level.
Women are lions. Especially when it comes to partners and prospective partners. Moral of the story? Don’t make me go Scar on Simba’s dad on this bitch. Just find some man friends.
Number four: the fucking fish.
Yes, I know you’re proud of your fish. It just doesn’t mean anything to us. It’s for the guys. To women, it’s just weird.
Yes, I know it means you can feed me if we ever go back in time to the pre-microwave/supermarket days. Thank you, daddy. But, Whole Foods is alive and changing the demographic in my neighbourhood. I really do appreciate it. But, please. No fish. To us, it’s like taking a picture with a store bought chicken breast or an East Side Mario’s bread basket.